Dear Grandma

 

Dear Grandma,

Thank you for always having snacks at your house and for letting me sneak bites of cookie dough from that white bowl with the blue pattern.  Thank you for letting me lick from the spatula and take goodies home for later.  Thank you for always waving out the big living room window when our car got to the end of the driveway.

Thank you for letting me and Lindsey play ‘Get Back to Bed’; although I’m sure it gave Grandpa a headache.  Thank you for believing us when we were certain there was a wolf in the bedroom closet at your old house.  Thank you for always having so many things for me to play with, books to read and an endless array of things to do every time we got together.

Thank you for your generosity over the years; I know we were each thought about each holiday, down to the little ones.  Thank you for all the Kmart talks we had.  I’m thankful I had that job, and that we were able to relate to each other in that way.

Thank you for your never ending support and encouragement.  I drew strength on your faith in me and would not be where I am today if it were not for you.  You have always been consistent in my life and I knew no matter what happened you would always be there for me.  It wasn’t that I could do no wrong; but, even though I had done wrong, things were going to be okay.  I would figure it out and get myself back on the right track.  I am so blessed God gave me a grandma like you.

You have been here through everything; every lost tooth, every school program, every piano recital, every softball game, getting my driver’s license, first communion, confirmation, graduation, each move, and the birth of Simon.  You have saw me walk with my head held high and told me you were proud, and you have saw me when I didn’t think I could take another step and then you told me I could.  You have prayed for me through everything I have ever done and now I pray for you.  But you see; I don’t know how to pray because I can’t imagine what my life is going to be like without you there in everything that I do.  I will be okay but something will always be missing if you are not there to share every moment along with me.  So I tell the Lord that I lift you up in prayer and for you to have good nights when you sleep and I thank Him for letting me have you all of these years.  Then I tell Him that He knows best and I have to trust in that so I just lift you up in prayer.

Grandma, you are the strongest, gentlest, most giving person I know. I admire everything about you and I hope to carry out your same attributes.  I love you so much and I would take your pain if I could.

Love,

Heather

May 21, 2011

P.S. This is the part you didn't get to read grandma. A part of me secretly hoped I wouldn't have to write it for a very long time, and I think a part of you did too.  You were such a fighter and you had such strength about you, but the pain you were in on Friday was unbearable to see.  I prayed for the Lord to help you, despite the fact I wanted to keep you here with me forever.  I'll admit, nothing in the world seems right at the moment.  You were my ray of sun on even the darkest of days, and now everything appears a little dim. My tears come so easily sometimes I wonder if they will start and never stop.  However, I am so grateful that you don't have to suffer anymore, and I take comfort in knowing that I will see you one day again.

I'm going to miss our evening phone conversations the most.  I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to call you already.  You were my person you know; the one I could come to when I had good news to share, was frustrated about something, or really had nothing to say at all.  You were  made up of all things that were right and good; and it was an honor to not only be your granddaughter, but your friend.  

Heather-mobile

The other night I braved the elements and walked to the gas station.  I had to take the gravel shortcut as time was of the essence.  My arrival time had to be within 15 minutes or I would be out of luck.  The only sources of light I could conjure up were my son's toy Craftsman flashlight and my penlight, so I went with the penlight.  As I approached the more wooded area, I noticed a couple of deer up ahead.  Now I had anticipated skunks being my main enemy, so when I saw deer my initial reaction was, 'Oh cute, look at that'.  Before I knew it, one took off, but the other one, by the awful sound it kept making, either wanted to mate with me or charge me.  I froze in my tracks, not sure what to do next...

 Now keep in mind, I don't come from a long line of hunters. When I think of a man being out in the wild and putting food on the table, the only thing I can invision is the time my dad found a can of peas on the side of the road and brought them home for lunch.  Anyway, we had a stare down and she finally went lickity split into the trees.  I saw this as my only opportunity to get to the other side.  I quickly put on my thinking cap and decided to pretend I was a car.  I pulled out my penlight and created the best car sound I could; throwing in a "beep beep" every now and then.  I figured in more cases than not, deer typically avoid cars, and hopefully for my sake, that would include ones with only one headlight.  Whether or not the wildlife was scared of the "Heather-mobile", or laughing at my expense, I will never know.   At any rate, I am happy to report my journey was a success.

I didn't necessarily have a moral to this story or any underlying messages.  I could go with the angle that cigarettes will kill you (thank you Kristy).  Or tie in the interesting part of taking shortcuts in life (thank you Annette).  Or even, the only thing to fear is fear itself (thank you Mary).  You can look at it however you please.  It is simply a not-so-surprising event that happened to me.  A time where the real me came out to play, where I didn't have to be afraid of looking stupid because I really didn't care.

Dear Vodka

Dear Vodka,

You were there for me when I thought I needed you; whether I was happy or sad.  You helped me celebrate good times and you helped me to numb the bad ones.  It was with you that I was able to come out of my shell and talk to people; to feel like I fit in.  I thought through my relationship with you I had figured out how to manage life and everything that came my direction.  I couldn't have been more wrong.

You see, I sit here today; almost in disbelief as to the person I was when I was with you and where our relationship has left me.  I lied.  I let people down.   I embarrassed myself and others.  I hurt my family and my friends.  In a state where the average person, by definition, would be in a stupor, unaware of their surroundings, with the possibility of unconsciousness; I got behind the wheel of my car and drove.  I traveled at a speed I cannot even fathom.  I rear ended a van and affected the lives of innocent people.

You left me broken.  I lost my job and I loved my job.  I lost my license.  I lost my car.  I lost time with the people I love, time I will never get back.  My life has gone from spending time in bars to facing time behind them.  As if that isn't enough, looking into the watery eyes of my hurting little boy, knowing that I am leaving him soon, is almost more than I can handle.  The tears flow out of me daily; sometimes hourly.  Tears of fear, sadness, pain, confusion and remorse. 

I hate that I put you number one.  I hate the behavior I displayed when I was with you and I hate what I have done to those that love me.  You can go and take from someone else now because I have nothing left to give you.          

A Chapter's End - Our Big Brown House

I want to thank our big brown house for the memories.  I saw it for the last time yesterday.  I grew up there part of the time; going from an only child living in the middle of town, to having three brothers and living in the country.  Sitting here now, thinking back on those years,  puts a big smile on my face.

I tried to fit in the best I could with boys.  I had never heard of the loud music they referred to as 'Metallica' before.  I didn't understand how their baseball cards could be worth so much money, or why anyone would want to trap a fart in a POG canister.  Come to think of it, there were a number of things that were a mystery to me, but it made life intriguing.

The cupboards at our big brown house were always filled with Post Toasties and Hamburger Helper.  I will never forget when Post Toasties were on sale 2/$4 and my dad bought every box.  They had to get us one of the old carts to be able to get all 24 boxes out to the car.  The good cereal was locked in his shop, but a swift hit with the hip would pop the door open.  I wonder if he ever knew that.    

It was in this big brown house we learned that you should not put red markers in the microwave and a spray can of deodorant, paired up with a lit match, made for an excellent torch like effect.  Mike taught us that a faulty apple cutter could do a number on your hand.  T.J. taught us that you should not grab a steak knife by the blades.  I remember our big skateboard ramp....my brothers could skateboard so well.  I tried to skateboard.....let's just leave it at that.  And then there was raking leaves.  We were told there would be a reward when we were done. It seemed like a good incentive between hours 1 and 2, but the excitement faded quickly.  You see, the key here was not when we were done, but when the leaves were done.  I "missed out" on a lot of years of raking; it is my understanding it never got any better.

At our big brown house we had a secret lake.  We named it, "secret lake".  One winter day we were playing on it all afternoon and Chris' boots leaked through so T.J. gave up his and ran back to the house in his socks.  I thought he was so brave.  During heavy snow falls, my dad would plow paths out in the field, making excellent sledding paths.  I remember Monday Night RAW, ice cream night and pizza every Friday...

As sad as the thought is to say goodbye, it is the memories that are the most important part, and they will remain forever.  Thank you big brown house.  Two families became one; and though it was not always an easy road, it was one that was truly a blessing to travel upon.